If you don’t know the answer to the question and think an arrogant remark is called for to hide your ignorance, think again.

Once and a while I slip up and I care, but then I get over it.

Sometimes the best decision is no decision at all.

How do I know an idiot, I can smell stupid before it arrives and I then let the idiot pass so they can inflect their stupid elsewhere.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Focus in, look around, is any of this really real?

My I call you son since you clearly need some mature adult influence in your life. Because the decisions you have made so far prove you have yet to grow up.

In my new office we have the desks that you can set up so you can stand and work. It’s turning out to be a popular feature, except with me. When one of my coworkers asked why I didn’t use it, I advised I prefer the sit on my azz at work as opposed to standing up. Pretty straight forward answer I think.

Post #625

Had a claimant call to initiate a claim with us after the cruise line had refunded all the money she paid out. She is looking for more money after she was made whole, greedy, greedy.

It’s here there and everywhere, except where I would like it to be, but isn’t that always the case?

One of my siblings once owned an old station wagon (remember those?) that was very beat up and the rear window was a piece of plastic. But the cruise control still worked, so all was not lost. The car was not the most reliable vehicle on the road so of course we took it hunting and parked it in the middle of a 6000 arce game preserve. After wondering around the woods for a couple of hours, apparently avoiding contact with the deer, we returned to the car and it was dead. Being this was pre cell phones we were now in for a long walk to nowhere hoping to find a phone along the way. Well luck was on our side and after walking for about 5 minutes a local that was cutting thru the preserve on their way home came upon us and gave us a lift to their house so we could call for help. This didn’t deter us from using that car again since it was the only ride we had, but boy we did luck out.

There is an old saying that there are no atheists in foxholes. How about foxholes in an atheist? Do they have a hole in their life they can’t fill, or are they satisfied with how thing are. I was just wondering.

I asked someone to clarify if a letter was a B or D in an email address they gave me, I wasn’t certain. I offered B for boy or D for David, that didn’t seem to work for them. Their answer was Bee or was that Dee, still don’t know. I choose B, 50/50 I might be right, wasn’t asking them any more questions that were clearly over their head.

If wishes were fish’s, I’d be a frog.

I won’t be pulling the wool over your eyes by pretending I give a sh*t.

My middle child was online with a bunch of their friends playing a game when someone suggested they all meet up at a local sports field to play soccer. While it’s nice they want to exercise, however someone in the group actually needed to look up from their screen and look out a window. They were so obsessed with the game that none of them actually noticed that it was in fact pouring out. So they returned to their gaming, so much for exercise.

Just got an email from my spouse and in the subject line there was just one word, “lazy”. While this term can be applied to me more often than not, I was wondering why this time? So with trepidation I opened the email. Turns out they wanted me to call Lazyboy to get someone to come and fix the couch. Well I was kind of being lazy in doing that, so it applies to me this time.

When reality comes to visit, most people run for cover.

According to the report—and I assume according to the man, who I’ll refer to as “Larry” because that’s his name—Larry was outside shootin’ at an armadillo with his 9mm pistol when the incident occurred. He got the armadillo all right, but the bullet then “ricocheted off of it, hit a fence, went through the back door of his mother-in-law’s mobile home [about 100 yards away], through a recliner she was sitting in, and into her back.” She was not severely injured, which supports his story because the bullet obviously lost most of its momentum before hitting her. (Though maybe the recliner is the hero here.) Police bought the story, in any event, and no charges were filed.

Got a call from an arrogant travel agent; all upset that we hadn’t settled a claim for her client yet. She was complaining that we are well outside our time frame for completing and paying the claim and wanted to know what the holdup was. I looked into the claim and the holdup was her. We had sent her a request for info on the cost of the trip over a month ago and she hadn’t sent it back yet, which is her responsibility. After advising her of this, turns out she had it, she just hadn’t gotten around to completing it. So now she knows where the holdup is, look in the mirror. My Cabin In The Woods pleaze.

If you were supposed to do a Follow Up on something; then you don’t; you then have no one to blame because you F*cked Up.

What else is there to say when it’s all been said before?

It’s said when you have an idea a light bulb goes on over your head. Now that LED’s exists and we use less energy, does that mean we get the ideas faster than before with less effort?

I’m just showing my concern. Just because it’s not reflected in the tone of my voice doesn’t mean it’s not there.

If you’re buying your girlfriend flowers at 10:30 at night at a CVS, it’s already too late! Because flowers from CVS means you cared just enough not to put any effort into it.

Sometimes Silence Is A Good Thing!

I had a claimant who incorrectly thought he was someone who is privileged and the rules didn’t apply to him, he found out how wrong he was. We are never as privileged as our ego thinks we are. He was very condescending in his ignorance; I hope he enjoyed his slice of humble pie.

I’ve notice a co-worker returning from the break room several times a day with a large mug of something. So I asked him what his drug of choice was, ass(u)ming it would be coffee, I was wrong; their hooked on hot chocolate. So I told him to be careful with that since next he might be making brown lines of it soon on his desk and then start snorting it and everyone knows that a gateway drug to cocaine. They laughed so hard they almost fell on the floor. Did I say something funny? I found this info on the internet.

Why are you contradicting me when you don’t even know what you’re talking about? Listen and you might actually learn something today. But then you’re not in the habit of listening, but rather talking, so you probably won’t.

If I really “cared”, I won’t give a dam, understand?

My employer recently moved our offices. In the old location the important people all had offices with walls, plus window views and doors they could lock. So the rest of us unimportant people really had no view of the outside world and were in a pit. Well in the new location it’s an open floor plan where everyone is out in the open. So there are a few important people who are not too happy with the office layout and the loss of their status symbol. Me, I can see sunlight for the first time at work. I can live with that and if the important people don’t like it, then pleaze sit on it and rotate!

Someone called to complain that we misspelled his girlfriend’s name, which we did. When I asked him to spell it correctly for me, he couldn’t. So how did he know we spelled it wrong? He better figure that out before his girlfriend becomes his ex-girlfriend.

I was talking to someone when they said, “I can’t hear anything you’re saying, hang on while I put my hearing aids in.” Perhaps you should have done that before you called, just a thought.

Post #600

I don’t mean to put pressure on you but….. Says volumes don’t it.

Someone complained once that I was talking over them, I advised I wasn’t talking over them, I just wasn’t allowing them to speak.

My employer has recently up graded us to a wireless mouse. I don’t know about this, I need my leash, I’m afraid it’ll wander off.

When I was a newlywed my spouse went out shopping. I started to worry when it was well past closing time for the local mall and they still weren’t home. I was looking out the window with a bit of concern when a police car pulled into the driveway and now I had a lot of concern. But then the officer backed out of the driveway and went on their way. They finally came home, but boy did that officer pick the wrong driveway to turn around in!

I feel so lost today, I just want to go nowhere in particular and take my time getting there.

Placing your unrealistic expectations on your child will lead to an unhappy child, let them be who they are, not who you wanted to be.

On The Reception And Detection Of Pseudo-Profound Bullsh*t

Time For A High Five, There’s Been A Need To Understand Bullsh*t Better.

If the movie Toy Story is true, then are sex toys also alive? What exactly do they do once discarded by their owners?

I’m sitting in the cafeteria one last time before the move and all the familiar faces are gone and I’m all alone. So sad that the end has come to pass.

Why is it, I don’t know, when will it end, still I don’t know, how shall it end, I just don’t care to know?

Someone wanted to know if we cover pre-existing weather conditions? What? Is that even a thing?

My current employer is moving its offices to a bigger space and I’ve been getting this strange but familiar feeling. Finally it occurred to me what it was. It’s when something comes to an end, like college or the summer camps I worked at. All the familiar routines and known things are gone. Now I’m starting over again. This time I’ll be continuing with the same people, but everything else will change.

I remember once I was the last to leave camp. I was wandering around it and everything and everyone I knew all summer was gone. It was very depressing made even worst when the next group using the facility started to show up. I hate endings!

Badgering someone with the same question over and over again is not going to generate a different answer. It is what it is, not what you’re hoping it might be.

What was yesterday is no longer today and I fell strangely better for it.

I recalled thinking when I was a camp nurse that on the few occasions we had to carry someone out of the woods it was always a big person. So my thought at the time was: why is it always the trees that fall over in the woods and never the bushes?

One time I was walking across camp at night when I came across one camper trying to carry a camper about twice their size who was out of it. Apparently the taller child had struck their head and the counselor sent them with a much smaller child to my office. They didn’t make it, luckily I happen upon them. The older child had a concussion so I took him to my favorite ER where you have to knock and wait for them to answer. Always the trees!

Someone wanted to know if I speak Dutch, h*ll I have trouble with English. Thou I do speak Gibberish quite well, does that help?

There’s no point in doubting the obvious, we know you.

If there was, there would be, wouldn’t it? Be?

You are special, just not in the way you envision yourself to be.

I use to work across from a Weight Watchers corporate office. Now most people are aware of what their selling and why Oprah’s smiling face was greeting me every time I got off the elevator. But I did notice something about their employees. A lot of them are not taking advantage of the product they are supporting, that’s all I got to say.

I saw this picture every day!

If wishes were dishes and the dishes were full of food, I’d be really fat, or fatter than I am already.

Once upon a time, there was a boy with many dreams, so many dreams that he never grew up.

I once owned a 1974 Honda Civic rust bucket that was missing the driver’s side floor board, Flintstone Style. It was the first year Honda decided to install an automatic transmission to basically a motorcycle engine and while feasible; it was still a bad idea. The car was a dog, no matter how fast I was going at the bottom of a hill, I’d be doing 25 mph by the time I hit the top if I was lucky.   I once drove it thru a mountainous area, also a bad idea. This car also did great donuts in the snow, mostly when I wasn’t planning on doing them.

So why am I writing about this car now, well I had a weird accident with it. I was sitting at a red light during a heavy snow storm, not doing donuts, when I was rear ended by all things, a Ferrari. I never asked why they were driving this kind of car in a snow storm, but some people have more money than brains. The accident didn’t really damage my car any since it was after all; a rust bucket. But it did scratch the front of their car up as my bumper road up it. Needless to say, I went home and they went out for an expensive paint job, you don’t take a Ferrari to Macco.

A lady called about a claim regarding her sister and how we handle domestic partners. She tells me that while they have been together close to 40 years she doesn’t think sex is part of the relationship anymore. Really, I didn’t need to know that, nor did I ask. Thou I did reply there are many married couples that don’t have sex either. But then people sex life or lack there of has no bearing on our decision process.

Someone wanted to show me something to bring back memories. My response; “wait, which memories?” This might not be a good idea.

Post #575

She asked if I have a plan, h*ll I don’t even have a clue, much less a plan.

I’m sorry, but I don’t have the empathy reserves to feel sorry for everyone with a sad situation that comes across my desk. That’s why I appear to disconnect.

Ignoring a problem is like a pimple, when ignored, it just grows bigger until it explodes, then you’ll have a real mess.

It’s hard to meet expectations when you don’t have any.

Why does someone get annoyed when you return their call like they requested? What if I hadn’t returned the call, would they get even more annoyed?

A good motto to live by: “I have to care, but not that much.”

Someone called in to complain that they bought a hands free insurance policy and now your company wants me to fill out a claim form. Really, I didn’t know there were such policies available anywhere. But it’s a nice concept, even if it’s a delusion. Even the simplest of claims process requires some effort by the insured, we don’t have crystal balls after all.

I don’t get it; it just doesn’t add up, why would it be? How could it be?

One service I worked for did transports from a local State prison (maximum security). We would enter the prison and go in to a certain point and wait for the prisoner we would be transporting. One time me and my partner were waiting when out a side door came about 8 women all decked out in wedding dresses. A guard there told us it was the annual “marry an inmate day”. It was a very strange situation. The inmates at this prison were mostly in for life, so why would anyone marry them? I know why the inmates married them, the guard pointed out the conjugal visits trailer in the yard on the way out. But what do the women get out of it other than saying their married; after all he’s not going to be around and if she gets pregnant, it’s instant single parenthood.

Another transport I did they had the prisoner shackled to the stretcher with a van containing armed guards following us. I don’t know why this individual was in prison, or cared, but I didn’t think at that point they were much of a threat. They were so ill they couldn’t even raise their head off the pillow. Apparently they don’t tell the prisoners much when it comes to their medical conditions and he had one question of me. Do I have AIDS? Since he was clearly on his death bed and I had his chart I looked through it and thou he had many issues going, that word was nowhere to be found. He looked happy when I advised I did not see that diagnoses.

We’re having a communication problem, I’m explaining it and you’re not listening, but you’re rather being delusional.

When I was temping reading water meters, occasionally I would answer the phones until the secretaries came in. One time I got a very serious call, the caller wanted to know if our hot water main was broken in their neighborhood. That’s the day they learned the reality that they were the proud owners of a hot water heater. We only delivered the water cold; it was up to them to heat it up.

I was just told that I work for the worst company ever because the other company they bought their insurance from is telling us that they refunded the premium to you for the insurance they sold you and then they canceled your policy. If that’s what we’re being told by them, how do you expect us to pay your claim? You have no insurance; you’ve been refunded the premium, so we can’t make a claim payment. But then were the worst company ever, my Cabin In The Woods pleaze.

I’m so tired, from what I ask you?

If you found out that everything that you’d ever thought was true in your life, in fact turned out to be false, how would you react? Could you cope with the destruction of your reality and would you be able to recover from it?

I was in the restroom at work the other day combing my lack of hair when someone was using the stall behind me to take a pee. Ok they don’t want to use a urinal, trying to hide something perhaps? Anyhow I noticed they used their foot to flush the toilet. If only they did the same to lift the seat up before letting loose. I understand germophobe’s, but why does the next person have to clean your pee off the seat? Then they’ll probably call other people slobs, dude you just knowingly pissed on a public toilet seat and went on your merry way, who’s the slob?

I’ve been meaning to take care of that but I’ve been busy doing nothing, so I haven’t gotten to it yet.

The house looks like someone broke in and trashed it, in other words, it’s exactly the way we left it.

When I complete the set up for a claim, I tell people I’m giving them our “reference number” for it. It just happens to be seven digits long and since people often don’t listen to what I’m saying in the first place they’ll then ask me for the area code. It’s not a phone number, idiot, it’s a reference number, my Cabin In The Woods pleaze!

Some people want you to do the impossible, all I got to say is I can’t help the hope less.

Someone called because the airline lost her luggage hours ago and she needed to replace some of her items now! Well I’m sorry they lost it, but until the airline decides what they can do for you, we can’t consider a claim. Then she points out that she’s all stressed out and can’t deal with it anymore. Oh poor baby, if the airline can’t find your luggage, they’re going to take at least 30 days to make a decision so you’ll be dealing with this for a lot longer than you can handle, so take a pill, the ride’s only just beginning if they really lost it. I don’t know what was in that luggage that’s so important, but no one going to make a decision on its replacement on her timeline.

So much, so little, so what??

Someone called in for a trip interruption because they couldn’t come back when they planned. The reason being they thought the judge was only going to sentence them for 60 days, but instead sentenced them for 6 months. I guess you shouldn’t ass(u)me your sentence until the judge speaks. Maybe they should start digging a tunnel so they can make that flight? Wouldn’t it be ironic if they cancel the ticket and the judge then lets them out in 60 days for good behavior.

Ever have someone say to you; I’m going to sue you for everything you own. You response should be, ok, but please don’t be disappointed when you don’t get it.

Had someone who was canceling their flight ask for credit. I advised that we don’t handle the credit here, they then state, I don’t want credit; I just want to be able to use the ticket again in the future and I want you to take care of it. Or as the rest of the world calls it; credit. Doesn’t matter how you phrase it, it’s still credit and I still can’t help.

I’m sitting in a tree, taking a pee, I spy a fly and it lands in the pee, slipping and falling yelling wee, wee.

Post #550

Kevin Cosgrove

When you go out to buy a car, you can choose a car with all the bells and whistles or a base model that will do the job.  I’ve been thinking of this in relation to my life.  I prefer the base model; I don’t need all the bells and whistles to be happy.

Do I know?  Do I care?  Do I care to know?

Took my kids out to play airsoft the other day, what a stress reliever to be able to legally shoot them in the azz.  Since they can be a pain in mine, it was my turn.  By the way, if anyone tries to tell you the airsoft pellets don’t hurt that much, tell them their full of sh*t

I’m the proud owner of a 1997 Nissan with over 180,000 miles on it.  I keep it on the road for my oldest to drive, if they trash it, who cares.  Anyhow we have recently been in a heat wave and the A/C in the car hasn’t worked for years, so putting the windows down is kind of necessary in this weather.  Well the power switch for the window recently died and my child really wanted to get it fixed.  Why, one window was open a crack and a little sweating in a hot box never hurt anyone, at least for the first hour.

Recently I was camping in a remote area of the mountains and wasn’t really expecting to get cell service, I wasn’t disappointed.  Thou I did over hear a fellow camper state that if you went to the dam and stood by a certain flower you could at least get texts.  So intrigued I went over to the dam, there were lots of flowers to choose from and my need wasn’t that great that I figured out which one.  It’s just funny how some people really need that connection.  Me; being out of contact and off the grid was one of the best parts of the trip.

Day dreams can be very enticing, thus very dangerous.  They deflect from what really matters in life.

My youngest was complaining the bees were buzzing them.  I told them it was because they are in the bloom of their young life.  I think they wanted to puke.

When I bought my house all those years ago there was a shrine of the Virgin Mary in the corner of my new backyard and she was headless?  While I was raised Catholic, I’m not practicing it much, if at all, but a headless Virgin Mary did concern me on some long forgotten level.  Well I couldn’t bring myself to dispose of it so I placed it in the corner of my garage where it sat for years.  Finally I worked up the nerve and put it to the curb where it promptly disappeared.  Gets me to wondering, is there someone out there that is currently worshiping that Virgin Mary or is it in some weird art display?  What would be the attraction of owning a headless Virgin Mary?

My youngest is always talking about how to survive a zombie apocalypse.  However after learning something about them, I advised that the zombies aren’t going to get them, they got that figured out.  Rather their going to starve to death when they are left only with canned food.  Because they lack that one critical survival skill, how to operate a manual can opener.  Try as they might, they couldn’t open any of the can food on our last camping trip.

Once there was time, now there isn’t, when did that happen?

Back in my Yout one of the most expensive aspects of going hiking was buying the food. My sibling decided to take care of this and after buying the food they placed it on the roof of the car to unlock the door. On the way out of the parking lot someone tried to get their attention about the food on the roof, but being a teen, they choose to flip them off instead. Well of course, they were just trying to be nice. I didn’t contribute to the buying of the replacement food.

One crew I worked with was passing through a rural area when a pheasant hit the windshield of the ambulance and went over the top. The windshield didn’t break so they continued to the hospital. After unloading the patient at the hospital the driver went to get back in the rig when they noticed the head of the pheasant hanging from the light bar. Perhaps they should have gone back to locate the rest of the pheasant and then have dinner or hang the head from the rear view mirror?

I was driving through the mountains the other day when I noticed a fund raiser for a local Volunteer Fire Department. The grand prize was a truck load of firewood. I think if my local VFD in suburbia offered this as a grand prize, it might not be very successful. But then the value of one item can be held higher in one area as opposed to another.

I had a thought, ouch, anyhow, I resoled my shoes, doesn’t that mean I now have a new soul?

It was customary in my youth group to pair up the new kids on their first campout with an older child in a tent, so any concerns might be addressed. My friend was doing this in the tent next to mine when I heard them screaming in the early morning hours, “what the h*ll are you doing!” Apparently their 11 year old tent mate had woken up in the total darkness, having to go to the bathroom. Half asleep and not knowing where they were they then proceeded to pee on my sleeping friends face. A nice warm stream of fluid to be gently awaken by perhaps? I still laugh to this day when I think about it. Never saw that child again after we returned home and I don’t wonder why, some things you just can’t live down.

If people only knew, then they wouldn’t be so unhappy, they’d realize just how good they have it compared to many others in the world.