7/24/15

Depression? Am I depressed today, no. Have I ever been depressed, yes. Do I feel I’ve been discriminated against when I was depressed, very much so. My own spouse has told me to “snap out of it”, you’d think they’d understand depression after being with me as long as they have, but they don’t. If one could just “snap out of it”, no one would ever be depressed. It’s a strange and terrible place to be when you’re depressed. It can get to the point where nothing matters; you just don’t care about anything in your life. It’s a deep dark black hole and the pain can be very intense and all consuming. Killing myself has crossed my mind more than once. I’ve never followed through, but then…

When I was newly married, you would assume I would have been joyously happy, but in fact I wasn’t, instead I was extremely depressed, to the point I ended up in a hospital. Yes I had my new spouse, but other parts of my life were in the crapper and I couldn’t cope, I didn’t have the skills too and I didn’t truly understand what depression was. The act of my spouse putting me in the hospital made me realize that there are people out there that are worse off than me; I think it actually helped in a strange way. I got serious about my depression after that point and have never gotten that bad again. I realized from that experience that I’ve always had problems with depression, but I never put two and two together until that episode. I’ve learned how to cope and win.

One of many instances where I was discriminated against because of my depression was when the job I had become very stressful, I just couldn’t handle it. It was overwhelming me. The employer paid lip service to helping me, but in the end, they only wanted me gone. They didn’t want to deal with a depressed/stressed out employee whose job performance was declining. Rather they were all legal in offering me FMLA and concern until they could build a good case in getting rid of me, thus avoiding a law suit, which is what they were afraid of (in my opinion). I had been there 6 years and always got good annual reviews, but once my depression got bad it was only a matter of time and I was out the door.

I had another job that was beginning to bring me down, while the stress built up. (OK, I need to handle stress better) But I was able to turn it around into a positive, at least for me. At the start, the job was fine; I was well suited for it and did a good job. But over time things started to change. About two years in, no matter what I did, I was making supposed mistakes, even when I knew I was doing it right and confirmed it with fellow employees. I started to get depressed and I was doubting my abilities to do the job. Of course the one who was pointing out all these errors, was ”my boss”. Then one day a light bulb went off in my head and that changed everything. My boss, main source of my stress, was truly crazy, no joke, just plan fruit loops. It wasn’t me that was the issue, I was doing my job, it was my bat sh*t looney boss. Once I realized they needed help, I decided I was ok and stop being concerned over their pointing out my “mistakes”. It was all them, not me, ok maybe a little me, since I started doing things just to piss them off (a little dickish of me). This realization made my life so much easier while I worked there, the stress was gone and it made it possible for me to stay until I found a new job. Once I started at my new job it became very clear just how crazy my former boss was. At my new job, I was treated like an adult and was allowed to do the job I was hired for without the constant second guessing of every decision I made that was occurring at my old job. I knew I was good at what I do for a living! I was at my old job for a long time and if I had chosen to believe what my old boss said about my job performance, I should have been fired. But they never did, though they threaten to countless times. Once I did leave they even asked a follow employee why I left? Well, duh. They just didn’t get it. My epitome was in realizing their craziness and not buying into the negativity they were putting out. This was a great liberating moment in my fight against depression! I would be called to their office for some supposed transgression and they would rant on about whatever stupid thing was on their deluded mind and I would just feel sorry for them (or think, “what an Azzhole”). I knew it wasn’t me, my customers were happy with what I was doing, they certainly didn’t want to deal with my boss, they also knew crazy when they heard it. This person would even go so far as to correct the grammar on form letters, which they wrote? Then go into lectures on how my grammar was bad, when all I was doing was changing names and dates? Also I wasn’t alone in my opinion of their craziness either, there were six of us employed at this business and we had many discussions on our boss’s irrational behavior.

Once I stopped blaming myself for my depression and stopped caring what other people thought or said about me, it became easier to control it. I’m a good person, good spouse, good parent and the only person I have to make happy is me. I can overcome depression and not let it rule my life. I’m better than depression, period!